• I dreamt of homeless, drug addled men staring placidly to the west. Their eyes were black and shining like insect wings. They did not blink, nor do I think they truly absorbed the beauty of the sunset. Cold, unmoving, eerily peaceful. When I woke up I was drenched in sweat and confused. I groped for my phone to check the time - 4:30 AM. I feel utterly depressed this morning. It has nothing to do with the thick storm clouds roving mercilessly over the sky. It might be that I haven't eaten yet. I always feel especially sour when I'm hungry, even though most of the time I have little desire to eat. Most likely its the rut I've got myself stuck in, though its awfully trite to say. This repetitive schedule bores me. I want to do everything right but somehow I keep messing up. How can I ever make progress if I simply don't feel like it? Is it worth it to kick bad habits when there's really nothing else to do? I need something captivating. A hobby. I miss roller derby. I think I'd be better at it now that I'm older. I used to be limited by fear of physical pain. But now I'm fed up and angry and I think I could use these negative feelings to kill my inhibitions. Maybe I'll fall and maybe it will hurt. I can get back up, the pain is not permanent. Possibly I would feel satisfied if I concentrated on my school work. It would be rewarding to finish the 3.25 credits I've been too lazy to address. Wow, 3.25 credits and I'm procrastinating. I could be done in a month! I could be working and saving and sleeping in. I think what I really and truly need is a positive outlook, perhaps one of the most difficult things to procure.

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