• it's the most stupid, unexpected things that trigger it. i can never see it coming, but when i'm blindsided, i'm always surprised at how quickly the tears come. it could be as trivial as seeing 'snooker' (or 'snickers,' or whatever her name is) on that ridiculous Jersey Shore show curl fetal in her bed to comfort herself. any natural physical response... the natural movements that i can not make anymore bring the tears. you never get over that loss of human-ness that comes along with disability, no matter how good life is. it's something i try desperately to deny feeling... that longing to be as i was, before i fucked everything up and dove off the dock. believe me, my life IS good. i have love and happiness, enough money to live comfortably, a mind that works for me, a beautiful roof over my head, and the luxury of choice in my life -- all i don't have is autonomy. see? even typing the words, it's obvious how big this is, only it's small in comparison to what it might have been. what am i even entitled to complain about?

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