• Randomly searching my friend’s exes myspace I found a photo of his current girl friend. It was a pretty average photo, bad light, scene kid, postitnote: I love you, BUTTT, You could see her scars, her healing cuts, rough and painful. Its made me feel, so, So, so, I cant explain. I wanted the cuts, the scars, the secrecy, all that shit that comes with cutting. I hadn’t cut for so long, the last time, last holidays, when nanna was hospitalized. Then, it calmed me down and stopped the sobbing, Now, Im not sure, I don’t know what iv done, Four, tiny, shallow cuts on my ankle. I can say im a cutter again, its who I am, who I enjoy being, its so easy to hide behind the cutting mask, it is so good, knowing, you, some friends, and all the incurable selfharmers out there are part of this thing, this thing that rules your life, You cut, your mind blanks, you can still feel, but its like yoga, the fog just clears, And the bright red blood, starting with a line, welling up, and up, until it breaks and begins to roll, The gauze, the bandaids, Even though I haven’t cut for so long I still dress as though I’m a cutter, long sleeves, or a jacket, shorts and skirts, making sure they don’t ride up and reveal anything, not lifting your arms above your head, not moving them in any way which will expose the scars. I need more scar cream, it works, the scars fade, turn white, instead of the horrible pinkish colour of tissue,looking like stretch marks, ugly, White line scars are beautiful, Im reminded of liv’s leg. Newish crisscrossing purple scars, wide enough, as wide as mine, but long, and then, halfway down her thigh, the scabbed over cut, deep, deep red, you can tell it bled, that it hurt, that it will scar bad. Its better now, iv cut, keeping in practice, for when I need it, its like renewing a lisence, making sure youv still got it, i need more cuts, I want to get back to the fifty cuts a night, the torn skin, the tissue peeking through, where they open and bleed over days and days, im a cutter again, though im not sure I ever stopped being one.

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