• My therapy homework was to feel. Ever since I was little I was trained not feel, and especially not to express it. Through this it seems that I have become excellent at exploiting fake emotions and going on cues in conversations instead of what is happening in my head. There's this huge thought process to what I can and can't say. So, in a way, I'm cutting out the middle man. He was never really very nice anyway. It's hard to accept these emotions and feelings. I haven't done it in so long. Sometimes I wish that we could all say those honest words we can't afford. Then we could be open and not have to hide how we feel. I guess that would make things hurtful in ways though. Sometimes I feel like my life is made up of waiting. Waiting to speak, waiting to see, waiting for tomorrow, waiting to redeem myself. All I want to do is help those I love, but I feel so helpless and inadequate. I really do feel like that line from Guernica 'If I could I would shrink myself, sink through your skin to your blood cells, remove what ever makes you hurt, but I am too weak to be your cure.' My chemistry teacher, who knows all that has gone recently, told me he was really proud of me the other morning. I wish I could feel like I deserve such praise. I wish I could feel less angry at myself and less empty. I wish I wish I wish, isn't that right? There wasn't a reply though. Oh well. Some questions may be better left unanswered, or at least that's what I've always heard anyway. I gave blood a couple of days ago. It makes me feel good to know I'm helping someone I will never meet or know. I can get over my fears for that. There's so much more I want to say, but I just don't know how to. I'm sorry, I really am, I wish I could be better and more helpful. I never meant to be this person, or this lack of one. I feel so lost again. I just want to see the light, haven't I been patient enough? Quote of the Day: "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." --Martin Luther King, Jr.

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