• When an alarm wakes you up at 5 in the morning, you don’t really have time to come back to your skin. You are still part cover, part dreams. So your legs feel fake stumbling across the room. And you just have to sit for a second in the corner after you turn off the sound. Waking up this early feels like a car crash. It’s like someone screaming, when you are dazed and confused, “here is your life, now go fucking live in it”. And for the few seconds of walking back across the room, finding the light switch, all that responsibility seems entirely possible. Physically getting up is the hardest part. When your brain is still too black to register the carpeted floor, you forget how to feel angry. You just accept everything as unchangeable. It doesn’t matter how heavy your eyes feel. Doesn’t matter that you feel alone. Wakefulness is here at the brim of your consciousness. And turning around and falling back in now just seems like a waste. Five hours of sleep is not enough for a teenage girl, but no one will ever tell you why. No matter how many websites you Google, no matter how many times your mother sends you to bed, you will never get a specific consequence. Sleep is good. Sleep is important. But that’s all it ever is. And without a threat, without, “you will die” or “your eyes will fall out”, the word enough is meaningless.

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