• I hate this house my heart hurts so much walking on eggshells treading in water there's no safe place to stand no matter how much i give, it's never enough it's all about grades and report cards i only exist on paper, an assortment of letters and numbers the wrong ones and i am worhtless the right ones and i get by for another day i think that this is why it's so hard to do homework why i don't care at all about the meaningless effort more miserable doesn't always equal more happy although you have to give to get, i do believe there is a maximum capacity it's just like alcohol 3,4, maybe five shots of that bitter taste and you feel lighter and lighter and lighter but any more than that, all you get is sick i am at my threshold for suffering there is a part of me that is almost ready to let them break me, just give into the weakness and medicine but there is another part that says i am already broken and it's really not worth a second try i believe i am stronger than words and memories because i know how to manipulate them what i write in here might not be real life it's only an interpretation, a one sided story, of the surrounding events that make me i'm not sure if the best way to define myself is by my thoughts or by my actions while inside i am a shattered mess, in school you'd never know i still laugh, make jokes, smile most of the time, even i can trick myself it's o hypocritical when i think about it because i really hate bullshit but honestly, i see only two clear choices one i can risk everything i've worked so hard for and show everyone how much i am falling apart or two i can keep up what i started years ago and just pretend that i'm ok i love matt, from the bottom of my heart, but i need myself more i can't go back to being unfeeling i can't make the schedules, write in the sleep, turn off the music all those things i do besides school make up my sanity if i give up on that, i give up any piece of me that's loveable and that kind of defeats the purpose

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