• Like OMG... all the guys digging me today and saying my name and getting jealous of other guys touching me!?!?!? Seriously though, I had my first chemical today in Beverly Hills, which turned out great after I finally found the place. Everyone there is really nice. I got out of work early too- like 12:12! And I kissed him goodbye in our special place to this amazing song under the lights...wish I hadn't fucking forgotten it already. Damn. That was so cool. Life is good. Thank You God. In other worlds, I had an interesting talk in the motel last Friday. Then I found out about PBOS. Yay! That sounds bad. But anyway, I was told that I was known very well, that I need to try it with other men to realize what I like, and that it's silly to say that I'm not wanted anymore, but I still "worry." I guess I still "worry" because I always want to kick myself for fucking up "relationships." And wishing I could've just shut up or said the witty thing at the time being. I admitting to having been sexually abused in the past, that I talked to a counselor about non-sexual issues, that my ex didn't like that I was too easy and available for him, even though I did have plans that I fucked over for his lame ass, and... damn. Oh well. At least I'm learning, right? I made a lot of progress in my room today- thanks for the "push." Ha. I really want to go get some tacos now but I'm a bit worried about my financial situation. It's just me now. Just me and my hostessing and office assisting and acting and modeling. I can't even afford good dancing outfits right now. But it's a good life- I know I have a lot of opportunities. I know that I have gifts and skills and dreams and that I'm loved and blessed and desired and admired. I have a future, an amazing career ahead of me and so many sweet revenges and new treasures in store. I just need to work on that "tunnel vision" theory that I was thinking about and let that- and God- lead the way.

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