• waking up early with a head full of sleep and the dark in the sky can sometimes be the most lonely feeling it is only then, when i'm so deep inside my skin that i really feel safe starting to question we say that we have to, but there is no such thing there are consequences ofcourse, but there is also choice i have to wonder how that little voice inside my head forcing me out of the covers got so powerful technically, i could just stay in bed technically, i could skate away but there is still that survival instinct too afraid to let go of all that i am used to work is so easy, just standing for hours scan scan scan, happy smile rhetorical questions, the fakest of laughs $40 closer to my wildest dreams i spent too many hours watching tv, but i had nothing else to do little worlds i'm not apart of seeping into my conciousness pull the curtains around matt and school and friends for a while a place where nothing matters, not even in my brain what could possible be safer? he's hurting so much that it's starting to break me jump on a train and leave it all behind i would but...i can't why? i don't know not enough stamina i guess just not enough fucking stamina maybe someday we can be happy, but for now this makes more sense all these miles and we still hurt so bad what happens if we're close and you break my heart? or worse, what happens if i break yours? there's booze in my closet and pills in my drawer there's smoke in my lungs and aches in my head but here in my mind there's only these jumbles of what i think words are supposed to be in the car i talk to myself, making great revelations i pretend i am in a play, some weird artsy shit with a strange camera angle matt wishes he could be tyler durdon but i just want some valium i'm such i realist even with drugs i can't be that crazy i live in too close quarters with normal i hope that it gets easier from here on i hope that it gets easy if we pretend we're okay

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