• so i wasn't pregnant false alarm, thanks for all the concern in other news turns out that the brand new concert i found out about also features fucking glassjaw maybe there is a god nick and i are ridiculously RIDICULOUSLY excited seeing as those two are both of our top 3 favorite bands so much shit is going on in my life and i'm numb to it all for real my dad might have cancer a few months ago he had a heart attack, and now he might have cancer i've yet to shed a tear for him he's been meaner than ever to me it's hard to cry for him when he makes me feel worse about myself than anyone i've ever known according to dear old dad i am: lazy stupid worthless wasteful selfish selfcentered a bitch heartless greedy an asshole pointless to this family a terrible person disappointing mean rude disrespectful dirty wasting my life going nowhere overdramatic the thing that ruins his day almost every morning the cause of stress/anger/etc in the house the reason there are fights in the family and i make every situation worse, no matter what it is the list goes on love ya, dad anyway the other night i had the most violent intense painful scary breakdown i've had in a LOOOONNNGGG time. i literally went ballistic alone in my bed for an hour at 4 in the morning i almost passed out and threw up because of how hard i was crying i was literally trying to rip my skin off with my fingernails i hated everything about me how ugly i was how lazy i've become how boring i was how no one liked me how i wasn't proud of myself how alone i felt how empty i felt how jealous i was of everyone how happy everyone else was how self conscious i was how weak i've become how i can't deal with anything how moody i am i don't know why i did that in the past tense i still feel all of it still believe all of it i just push it out of my mind now its fucking exhausting having a mental breakdown or maybe it was an emotional breakdown what the fuck is the difference i think and have thought that i am bipolar but i will never say that out loud songmeanings, you know more about me than anyone else on the planet. why is it that i can spill my whole life everything i can NEVER tell anyone into this PUBLIC online journal its not anonymous my full name is in here multiple times HI, I'M COURTNEY BURGESS plus, it comes up on my internet homepage one of my most visited sites anyone who goes online on my computer can easily read all of this so why? wait, i think i know what the fuck i'm talking to myself hi, whatever i still think i know the answer to the question! answer 1: i subconsciously want someone to find this, just so they know. i want people to know, because i want them to tell me i'm not worthless. or crazy. or ugly. or boring. or anything else like that. answer 2: i can't deal with talking deeply face to face, or even on the phone. too fucking awkward. i'll change the subject or start laughing. because if i don't, i'll cry. or they'll hug me, and THEN i'll cry. and i do not cry in front of people. not even my closest friends, not even my family. i don't even think my brother's seen me cry since i was little. i think somethings wrong with me whatever, just give me heavy drugs. sedate me. let me fake my way thru the rest of my life let me be numb for the rest of my life its so much easier than dealing with emotions smoked today, smoking tomorrow. man, i love avoiding my life.

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