• so i could possibly be maybe am probably am pregnant. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN i was in denial missed my period by a week and a half continued to be in denial then, july was over in 4 days and i still never got it so i cried a lot and i shook and i held nick and i cried and i worried nick sat me down and said something that actually made a lot of sense even if it was a bit harsh "courtney, crying is not going to do anything. worrying about it and being fucking depressed from now on will not change the fact that you are pregnant. it will not make you get your period. we fucked up, but we're going to fix it. man up, baby. its the only thing you can do" today, im not in denial anymore nick is here for me, he will do anything he can to help i know he's not going anywhere we're not telling anyone there's a planned parenthood 15 minutes from my house they do free pregnancy tests for teens eliminates the awkwardness of buying a test at cvs where friends of mine work or where i could easily run into a friend of my mothers or fathers next, they'll refer me to somewhere for an abortion i'd use the abortion pill i'd make sure my parents weren't home, and nick was with me i did my research i take the first pill at the hospital or clinic - the place planned parenthood sends me to then, they give me a second pill to take home i take that one 24 to 72 hours after the first whenever is most convenient for me and that's that i go for a follow-up checkup a week later, and then we pretend it never happened in my head in my heart right now, this doesn't even bother me it should, right? like, there's a fucking human growing inside of me and in a few days, im taking a pill to make it pour out of my vagina and it doesn't even bother me? oh. okay. what if after its all over, after its out of me, i start having nightmares or i lose it freak out what if theres health side affects and i can't have children ever again? what if my parents find out? what if i can't afford it? there's so much to worry about and i'm not worried about any of it i think i'm gunna go for the test tomorrow or friday if its positive, go for the first pill on monday take the second on tuesday, when my parents are at work and then i never speak of it again no sex for a week, and then my life goes back to normal i feel like maybe i'm not upset now because in my head, i'm not pregnant i'm still subconciously thinking that i could never get pregnant that doesn't happen to girls in real life it's always someone else, somewhere else never me, never here well, news flash! its me, its here its happening, and this time i cant pretend its not welcome to the real world i guess where consequences actually mean something where they actually HAPPEN wow, im so fucking naive. shit just got real

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