• so what now from here? where do I go? Which turn did I miss in my brain that makes me feel this way. Was I suppose to turn right instead of left? I can't kept going the straight way I am going now. It's not any good. So are any of my choices any good? Was it better that I moved away? If i was to be in michigan everything would have been held back because I need to be strong. I need it. Growing up, tears were always a sign of weakness. So I stopped crying for a long time. So where did I go from there? I listened to Karen Carpenter's voice singing "We've only just begunnnnn to live....." It was the only thing that made sense, her voice. So did I make another wrong turn? Did I turn left when I was suppose to make a right? I made a left right into my brother's bedroom. My brain blocked that out till about a year ago. How I did that I have no idea. Lately, something is not clicking. It won't. Can this really be me? I cut myself because i'm numb anyway and I can't feel it anyway. I'm dead. Just dead. I believe in nothing, but i'm stil holding on to something. Just, what is it then? Am I holding on to my childhood 'cause I don't want to grow up or is ryan right when he said that i'm not accomplishing my goals fast enough. I got most everything I want, but something is gone. missing. boom. out. let me be free. let me live my life whoever whatever you are. I figured that this isn't me. I love work. I love school. I love to clean. but lately I could give a fuck about anything anymore. write me up. fail a couple clases, let the place be a fucking mess, who fucking cares anymore, right? so almost a year from now, my mental stage is in the same area. I still feel alone. I still feel helpless. I still feel scared. I still feel pessimistic. I still feel....nothing. Can this be depression or is it bi-polar? WHAT THE FUCK AM I?

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