• i guess this is my special journal....so i guess i will tell you about whats up...matt is really confusing, i mean he always is all mean and shit and then he calls me outta the blue then like a few weeks layter hes not my friend then he calls and tells me he is! i dunno whats going on i mean i thought he liked sarah! i just dunno if i wanna be with him that much anymore. i kinda have a feeling like if hes asking me out itll be a trap, im not saying im all great and everything to tell you the truth i would do the same thing to me if i was him. and i hate that!!!!! its like im not gonna be to great for other guys and they wont be good for me right now im thinking that maybe matt is the only one i need but im just not seeing it. hes the only one that ment the world to me. i guess i just dont wanna break his heart again! thats why i dont wanna hassel with it plus he is mean when hes not going out with you, you are either his g/f or nothing but now im glad he got passed that but i just wish he would permently stay my friend, but maybe the only reason he does that is cuz he knos in the end we might end up together. i just dont get why he would ever take me back! to tell you the truth i am over him but in a way he still means the world to me! im just confused and i kno he still means the world to me but i just dont get why he would take me back! maybe its cuz he knos he means the world to me cuz in the end it still wont matter he is still my everthing(sept my friends they are more then my everything) even if i wanna deni it but i kno and he will be. its krazy but right now im just so confused!! no one to talk to really, but i can flush out everything im thinking in this!!!!! so yea. theres lots of thinking happening and lots of maybes and not too sures. i hope i will relize something soon to take this weight off my shoulders and finally figure out what i should have known all along! it hurts to think that matt might be the only one i will REALLY be happy with! that kinda scares me and my friends think i should just forget it but they dont kno how hard it is for me. i cant just let him go, i almost did until today and the phone call and him inviting me to the park to watch fireworks with him and some other people! its hard just looking at him knoing what i did to him but i just dunno he does mean the world to me or maybe he doesnt i dunno anything for sure right now! i hate that i think thats so dumb but you never kno what will happen i just dont kno! anyway i got that out, layter!

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