• i'm not feeling well right now at all. my head kind of hurts and i'm disassociating really bad and i want it to stop. i don't feel real at the moment and i hate it, i feel like i'm third person. this use to happen to me a lot at random and it would be worse than this, but a lot shorter. the disassociation would be far more intense but much shorter... this is the exact opposite, less intense but much longer. i don't know when it is going to stop but it's so annoying. it's less worse now thankfully, head is still bugging me. anyway, i wanted to write in this for some reason. i know i'll think it is stupid just reading over it a month from now or even a day from now but whatever, that's just life. i mostly wanted to write about what a lot of people (it seems like everybody) is concerned about: happiness. some people say true happiness is found through love or a significant other and i guess in a way that is true. sure, i think there is a definite happiness that comes out of love but that is only because we crave security and stability, which is what people or things we love bring us. i honestly think that happiness is a choice. people say there are reasons to be happy, reasons to be sad, reasons to be angry and the like. it's all just a choice, isn't it? i mean something might happen to you that could be a setback, like getting a bad grade on a big test at school or fucking up a job interview or whatever. but it's your choice to feel bad because of it, right? i guess there is a pro and con to everything, but how you feel because of an event is all up to you. i don't have a lot of reasons to be happy by most people's standards... sure, materially, i have the internet, a computer, TV, video games, the like. but i don't have many friends, i have like 2 that i see on a somewhat regular basis, and i don't have a girlfriend and haven't now for a while. i'm also a pretty shy person and can tend to be very awkward in social situations on occasion. i don't get out very often and physically i'm not perfect. still, i choose to be happy and accept myself. it's better than feeling like shit, right? sure, i could feel like shit all the time, just focus on the negatives and focus on what goes wrong and shit but you know what that would make me? a whiny bitch who just wants pity. it's the truth and you know it. happiness most of the time is a choice and so is being depressed. i've been depressed before (perhaps not true clinical depression but depressed enough to know what the word means for sure) and looking back my life was actually pretty damn good at the point i was depressed. i was just too busy being a bitch and focusing on negative things. i mean fuck, you have two options with negatives: fix them or ignore them. that's the straight shit right there, man. and if you ignore them you're more likely to focus on the happy things, which in turn will make you a happier person. i'm not saying ignore your problems or anything, but just choose to be happy. most of the things i regret doing or saying were when i was in a bad mood or when i wasn't happy. i don't regret many things when i'm happy although it's possible. i find that most people, when happy, are more open and more likely to tell things they might not tell if they weren't in such a good mood. this can come back to bite you in the ass but so can saying something wrong when in a bad mood or being rude. i can truthfully say i'm not just putting on a fake smile because i'm choosing to feel good, it's really that simple. anyone who's out there saying "lol my life sux im so fat im a loser lol" just needs to shut up and start being happy! happiness is up to you, not anyone else.

• mothafucking test

  artsluton July 10, 2009   Link

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