• i feel so unstable and shaky i don't even know how i'm still conscious i drove like that, hands gripping the wheel, shivers jolting through me thinking about seeing him again it was raining, thunder and black clouds, a little piece of orange sky I got in his car and he didn;t laugh when i told him i talked 80 miles a minute about life and chris and writing and he nodded just like old times It felt less weird than it should have we both remembered how we were i forgot how much i missed him i forgot how much i still do he let me hug him goodbye and i almost exploded he is so ingrained in my past, in my present that i can't let go i didn't believe him when he said he was indifferent I didn;t believe him when he said he forgave me I want him to be angry so there's somthing to fix That way, i'll know just what to do I was always so good at mending the broken i want to call him but it's too much the night is done, i'll let it slide slide away into new memories and lyrics drift off into cursive on paper because that's all it ever was before he goes i'm going to show him my song i don't want to be there, but i want him to know i think it's important i get it off my mind I don't want to be the sole guardian of my insanity loving and missing someone right next to you is the strangest of feelings i'm listening to dave and it's making me smile, but tomorow it might just make me cry i told him that too, but i couldn't tell him everything it felt too vulnerable, that trapped air in the car windows rolled up to fight off the rain wouldn't fight off my secrets p.s. i still care p.s. i still love you i have time and that makes it safer the structure we balance on is ever so delicate i can feel the scars and bumps and bruises once they fade, it will be okay to make new ones all on purpose so i won't feel ashamed I am well aware that what i'mm putting myself through is crazy I am well aware there may or may not be lasting consequences but i am also aware that i have a chance at a change and i can't let that go so easily

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