• This is such an incredible song, and I plan on commenting on this once I am done posting this; I haven't written in ages, and since I have been scaring myself for the past few days I have to get something out. Tye is gone to Ekalaka to work since there isn't anything here- he has been gone a total of three weeks as of today, and the first week was so hard being without him, especially since I don't really have anyone to talk to. Well, Monteen moved back for the summer, and I have gotten used to coming home to an empty apartment, and not really talking to anyone outside of work. I have been hanging out with her for a week straight now, which is so odd because before she moved away, and in Bozeman, we hardly did anything alone together, but now its completely opposite. I have been feeling SO rebellious the last week, and have set aside all my responsible conscious and have been high for seven days straight. Tye knows, he doesn't approve but isn't too worried about it. I know people claim to have ephipanys all the time when they're high, but they're absolutely right, which is why I am writing this down. I want to read this sober tomorrow and see if it has any validity at all, and discuss this with my psychiatrist next week. This song speaks to me, I can listen to this song every hour of every day, and never get tired of it. It talks to the four influential men on my life perfectly. The Opening Taste by: The Reindeer Section The Father: My dad, who has worked his ass off for the last 22 years of my life, to prove to his parents that he is worth something, cares more about his employees and their happiness more than his own or his familys own. I love my father to death, but I wish he would understand that he is pushing the people who actually give a damn about him farther away each day. I never feel that I meet my fathers standards, even though I am pulling a 4.0 during the entire six months I have been back to school, and love what I am doing. My husband even embarasses me when it comes to my father, even though he is an amazing guy, I don't feel like my father approves because they are totally opposite. I will always love my father, he did what he thought was right for our family, but he will never accept anyone in his life for who they are. My Husband: Whom I love so extremely much, he has taught me a lot about life in the four years I have known him. I never pictured myself with someone like my husband, but with one exception, I wouldn't change a thing about my relationship with him. I think my husband is lazy and somewhat of a bigot even though he knows I won't stand with his bullshit or sexism. Sometimes I worry that my husband will never get his shit together and provide a life for me he knows I will like/love. I think that if I finished my "desired" degree before he does his, he will still expect me to move to where he wants to fufill his "dream" career. I will leave him if that happens. The Forbidden Ex-boyfriend: I will never love anyone as much as I loved you. You have betrayed me in a way I didn't think people were capable of. You raped my sister. I still have to see a shrink because of you, even though the incident between you and my sister happened almost three years ago. Everything in this town reminds me of you, so I can never stop thinking about you. You fed my preference of drama in everyday situations, which I loved. You are the only one who has accepted me for who I truly am- and that has affected me more than I thought. I wish I could have watched you be sentenced, and your mother cry blaming the school system; maybe then I would have been able to realize what a zit to socitey you are. You are the reason I was able to marry my husband, if it weren't for you betraying me, I never would have put up with my then boyfriends selfish and cold attitude for the first year of our relationship. You have been the only one that can make me appreciate sex for pleasure and closeness. I always thought we would get married. I think you're engaged to the girl you are now, because she reminds you of me. My Cousin: I can't believe you have passed away. Your family has changed so much since you passed away. Your brother even told me after I asked him to get help after you died, that he didn't care about me or my family and never wanted to see me again; our family doesn't say stuff like that to each other- but your passing changed us all. I have nightmares about you drowning a lot- but I don't ever tell anyone about them, I don't want to upset other people or have them think I'm just seeking attention. I had so many stories I wanted to tell at your funeral, but was so upset I couldn't even cry and worried that people would think I didn't care. I was only able to cry when grandpa turned to me and told me it was okay to let go. Not even my boyfriend of a year could help me release. My mother thinks you were gay, and was too afraid to tell grandma or grandpa. Or your father. I think your parents have become alcoholics since you died, your mom was so devastated when she found out the news, that when they showed up to grandma and grandpas after driving for three days straight trying to find you, that when your mom walked through the door, she said- as soon as that boy calls I am just going to chew his... and would start bawling. Your ashes showed up the same night before I was getting ready to leave for Germany- everyone but your mom came to say goodbye. My sister can't sleep very well since you died. I never got to say goodbye: My Cousin It's harder now that your away: My Husband I thought of so much more to say: The Forbidden Ex You listened to it as you left: My Father In other words couldn't hold my head above the water for long enough to hear your final wish is a lost cause to anyone who heard above the din I don't have time to dress it up: My Father and all my thoughts come out at once: My Husband I loved you more than i could think: The Forbidden Ex of any other thing that hurts: My Cousin I will hold my head in the shame you dealt: The Forbidden Ex and it wets my skin as I fall right in : My Cousin with your conscience clear you can walk away : My Father take it easy dear on my swollen skull : My Husband

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