• when you ask me why i've changed, i lie and tell you because i like it the blue hair and the television the texting and the myspace but really it's because when i morph into a shallow representation of everything i can't stand it just means i don;t have to face me it turns into this magnificent round of questions, vicious cycle of why why whys why do i hate everyone? because i hate myself why do i hate myself? because i'm not good enough for truth in cliche why are you not good enough? because i can't stick to the plan why can't you stick to the plan? because i get distracted by everyone else But when i'm distracted, i don't feel unhappy I feel normal, like i'm told i should there is no depression and anger there is no tears and insanity but on days like today, when i'm forced to be alone i start thinking all these fucked up thoughts and i feel so lost and unloveable so then i trace it back, try to find the last time i felt sure and i see matt's face in the crossroads everytime i have to freeze, remind myself that it can't happen again but then the whys, they keep attacking why can't it happen? because wanting an abusive relationship is sick Why is that sick? because love is not meant to be so painful why is pain not love? because the cliches say it isn't Why aren't you over the cliches? because i still live in this world I have this disgusting need to talk to him, but i don't know what to say actually, that's a lie I know exactly what to say I want to tell him I still love him I want to appologize for being ordinary I want to ask him what it was he saw in me that made him expect more and why i haven't met anyone else who sees it too I'm so scared of him laughing I'm so scared I'm out of his head it's another of those one sided situations no matter how much i care, there's still a big chance i could just be a joke I wrote a song about him I wrote one about chris too i still mean that one i still mean this one I'm so confused and torn and undecided If i could have one wish right now i would wish matt magically back into my life just for the summer just until he leaves for college and i'll never see him again just long enough to see if he remembers who i used to be

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