• Swing life away. On repeat. So I cant be bothered deleting all these entries. And even though I hate them, and the way that I write I know its important to keep the past around. Without the past we just keep on making the same mistakes over and over. Not that I can talk. Its almost holidays, im wanting them and dreading them at the same time. I can’t stand the idea of three weeks with family, but the idea of school is almost worse. I’m hoping, that with my change of hair colour (blonde this time), that my life will finally change. That I will get out of this vicious cycle that im trapped in, with my family. Never doing what I want. So this holidays: josh gets back, andys having his 18th, im going to stay with dot for a while, get majorly wrecked, stephs coming down to victor, maybe we’ll go camping, or squatting, hopefully ill hook up with danny again (no idea whats happing there). So many plans. So much I want to do. In reality I know ill sit at home, go to work, be a good girl. I should just leave, move in with someone welse, but I cant. Im too “apathetic in my resentment”. I know we all fuck up. But im not getting anywhere, im making the same old mistakes. Going to luke gain,and again, its bad for me, he just fucks me up, but I can never stay away. I don’t want him, like he thinks, but I dunno.bad habits are hard to break. Im falling into the same patterns again with congedi. Itd be the fourth time its happened. lets not think. Lets not feel. lets just try and find out way through the dark. Maybe we’ll come out mainly together. haven’t cut for about a month, I told myself id stop. But I feel like I need to again. I dunno. Its being a bitch night. Cold, cold, cold, so fucking cold. Torin asked me out, masses of hw two days before holidays, this feeling of emptiness is bringing me down. I need someone to hold onto. But not anyone, someone who I want, who cares. Not anyone will d anymore. Friday im going back to the shrink. I don want to, not too her, anyone else. We didn’t get along at all. It didn’t work. Im kind of dreading it, but so much has changed since I last went, I have no idea whats gonna happen. I cant deal with adults, or emotion. Especially emotion. I just scream, cut, punch things, run away. I hate feeling. I want to be numb. Although every time I see that hole in my wall I feel kind of proud. Is getting me down. All this has the word I in it, too much, I feel so fucking selfish. I love it, how me and you, and all my friends. We’re all so fucked up, and all in pretty much the same way. We egg each other on, drag each other down, down into this endless cycle of destrution.

• You know im still here if u ever need anything, anything at all.

  preparedforwaron June 24, 2009   Link

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