So, I think it's time to upgrade this journal from Jon ramblings, to....anything else. Yup.
I graduated the academy...and I was ready to be done with it on the last day, and was so happy to finish....now I miss it. I'd rather get OC sprayed again than fill out another application. It's draining to get told multiple times, in so many forms of flattery, "no". ....And then back to the drawing board to fill out the same million lines of information on a separate application.
I feel like I'd make a damn good whatever-I-wanna-be, but this budget-watching from the recession is just brutal. It's sparked a slight anxiety attack on two separate occasions as I deal with sort of an identity crisis. I freak out because nobody's hiring me, but I gotta shut up and realize it's ok...and it'll work out. There's no need to freak out over my lack of a job and just run and join the peace corps. ...Yet, anyway.
I really feel embarassed that this anxiety attack is happening the night before a damn orientation session. 30 minutes of information about the salary, benefits, hiring process, etc, which i probably don't even need to dress up for, and i'm getting jittery and debating skipping it to go join the peace corps. Why? Why am I nervous over this? Absolutely ridiculous. That pit in my stomach needs to go away, because it's extremely unnecessary right now.
I'm just glad I know I'm able to conquer these feelings of nervous nauseau when it counts...it's what helps me know i'll make a good LEO.
In fact, thinking about it now, maybe that's why i'm suffering from this mini anxiety attack the night before an orientation session...there's no pressure. I'm not being tested, interviewed, or being forced to perform anything. I just have to sit there and absorb information. No pressure, no need to impress, nothing like that at all...and so, these anxious feelings are going unchecked, because there's no consequence for leaving them unchecked. They took over because I lacked the need to beat them down.
Meanwhile, when I was about to fail out of the academy on firearms of the last day, I fucking knocked it out of the park and passed three times in the pouring rain. During evoc, they talked about the difficulty of the cone course constantly - and i pwned it (while fucking up on the braking exercise which i originally wasn't worried about at all).
Tonight is a learning experience. I can deal with anxiety when there's pressure to perform. When there's no consequence, i'm a wreck. Doubt starts to creep in because there's no repercussion for letting it do so, and then it starts a chain reaction inside my brain.
I'm listening to Shearwater right now. I love them so much, and they're calming me down a bit. "The holy, holy melody will bring them all to me..."
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