• Yet another summer has arrived and the long humid days are wearing thin on my heart. Not that school and responsibility is a better option, but I'm sick of feeling stuck. Stuck at home in bed, trying to sleep more than 5 hours, stuck watching redundant movies with friends I wouldn't miss if they packed up and left, stuck in suburbia, full of dogs who bark too much and birds who squack instead of chirp. Just stuck. It's like I've been dumped in a shallow pool of quicksand, forced to trudge along with no real sense of direction until I can find an exit. It's not dangerous, just irritating and exhasting. I decided to vist my dad last week, to liberate myself in some half ass way. But I guess I need something new, not old. Going back to your old hometown will just depress you with "what could've been's" and "how I used to be's." Not to mention three fully stocked liquor cabinets and infinate drug connections made my innocent visit less innocent and more groggy and unclear. My dad tries really, really hard though. I know he feels guilty about this past year, I know he's trying to redeem himself and fix every horrible thing he's put me through, but I just want him to stop trying. If anything, I think I should thank him. I've become desensitized. I take things less seriously now, and though I feel stuck, I can't imagine how I'd feel if I weren't totally corrupt. Not only that, but I understand why he did what he did. I understand why he left my mom, and why his emotions got the best of him, and why he made her life a living hell for six solid months. It wasn't right, but I understand that it was a human reaction, and I, of anyone else, should respect the fact that he's trying to stitch the wounds he's inflicted on our relationship. If I were my daughter, I don't think I would even make an attempt. I've been slowly making new friends and I think I'll put my best foot forward and whole-heartedly make an attempt at keeping them. It'll probably help me with the whole "stuck" thing. Who knows. New people, new hopes and aspirations, maybe this summer will lead to something positive.

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