• wednesday 3rd june 2:47am well its finally winter, it was already starting to get cold last month, some nights are freezing others are bearable i guess i could say the same abt my... crush... god i hate that word.. it feels so immature and something u do only in highschool, no this is more like a really good friendship that feels like something more.. heh how sad does this sound, ill probly regret writing all these things in the future. good news i guess u could say is that all my assessments are over, just one left but its pretty much done, demo n all, just report to finish up. got micro result back, 17/20. im happy with that, something decent atleast this sem. in other news im still pretty much in the same situation, i guess im just winning a bit more each day.. still though, not a day has passed without thinking abt her atleast once or twice.. but its definitely less.. still dont know if i shld throw it away for my own good, it was funny i was watching this youtube vid abt "are you the sideline guy?" heh and yeah it made me think, im not even the sideline guy, just...a guy.. and its true, i have been losing a bit of my self respect along the way without even knowing, def been taken adv of, things i wouldnt normally do if it was anyone else, and sometimes it feels like she is doing all this on purpose? i dunno, maybe im just thinking abt it too much again, i mean i probly dont even register long enough to be a thought to her, i dunno, life is confusing, she keeps saying im a good friend n all, but saying it just makes it sound more forced? but i do think she means it when she says it, although then again i dunno there are definitely the good times, and the ok times. but the more i pick at it, the more i realise how much i shld stop pursuing this, there was obv nothing from the start, its just the way in which she does things i guess... it seemed to have work.. on a random note, my left earphone seems to have died :( going to have to find some new decent earphones or put up with just mono right earphone for now.. today on the bus though when she tilted her head back and just ler hair relax back, she looked so cute..i just wanted to face her and smile while looking deep into her eyes.. and just enjoy that moment.. but thats not the person she thinks i am.. ive gotta keep playing this "big brother" and "lil sister" role that i stupidly concocted to show her in some way i care.. which she reciprocated.. i hope this hasnt though led her off the track and she probly thinks now that i dont feel that way abt her..ever since it has gotten less.. i guess u could say intimate and more just for laughs and fun.. which i dont mind i guess because ultimately its the laughs and fun that make it interesting.. but just once or twice.. id like to share a moment with her.. one u dont forget.. =) now its just whether risking everything for that one chance is worth it.. i dont know.. but the longer i wait.. songofthemoment yiruma - memories in my eyes

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