• Today was my first day without having afternoon school and it was so nice to have that all alone freedom I went out to lunch with Ella, just for the first two hours, but after that I went home and mostly slept I searched on the internet, but apparently no one has figured out a way not to need sleep except for adderall of course but as that's not really a permanent option, i guess i'm resigned to wasting time unconscious I saw Matt at McDonalds and I felt almost nothing even though i told ella it made me uncomfortable, those were just words I felt obligated to form I think I've come so far in removing myself from everything I used to be, both with and without him in my life, i can't see from any former perspective As of now he is just any other person I'm no longer projecting all that overflowing emotion onto him, no longer expecting some sort of sick compensation it's just over, the same way sophmore or freshman year is I've grown up and my mind is too filled with the here and now not to let things go Chris made me talk about Matt the other day and for the first time around him I was speechless I didn't want to share that burden with him, make him think about my problems for even a second when he didn't really ask I think it's disgusting when people do that, just dump their lives in the unsuspecting hands of a simple how are you Those words in our society have lost all meaning because people ask to be polite It has nothing to do with actually caring about the answer Today i almost got into two different accidents because I am an awful driver I should try harderto pay attention to the road, but I;m so focused on the destination That's the cheesiest metaphore for life i've ever heard, but it's so true I know what I want in the end, but I'm so careless in getting there I make so many mistakes I feel sick from them, until all i can do is curl up under the covers because I just don't know how to be in certain moments Sometimes when i really start to loose it I give my self pep talks about staying sane It's so ironic I could cry, but i can't get myself to go away I smoked a cig with Linds in the parking lot this morning and i forgot to feel special Being with my friends makes me abandon these crazy thoughts about life and meaning which is probably why i like it when i'm alone, like this afternoon, i have to think I feel the need to become someone and not just waste my life in front of a tv screen i called chris to come save me, but he was already out He was supposed to text to wake me up, but he never did that's okay, i forgive him i have already accepted that no one will ever feel that way about me I am too much of a joke to be anyone's heroine Random prom kid is texting me and I'm laughing a little at the irony We are having some sort of conversation about the meaning of life that he thinks is deep and i think is words typed together too quickly i hate texting, because it's too easy you can say all the things meant to be tucked away and that sucks i don't want to know your innermost thoughts, your most convoluted meanings A year ago, i would have been fawning all over this kind of attention Now it's making me angry how the fuck did I get so freaking cynical? I tried to write another essay about chris but I couldn't finish it I think it's a sign telling me I'm in too deep We hung out all day last friday and talked about "us" i guess we have a thing again but i'm not sure what that means I like having sex with him, it makes me feel wanted Even if I am being used, at least that means I'm useful He makes me feel less fucked up too, because we talk like the world is falling to pieces It's nice to acknowledge that with someone I get really sick of pretending i'm fine i like admitting i write in here all the time because i need proof that i exist or that people in general severely disappoint me Chris told me he feels most like himself when he's high and i think on some level i can accept that if you hate where you are, then leave that's really all the drugs come down to, a safer sort of suicide because this way, if in ten twenty years I change my mind, i can always choose to come back

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