I probably should feel proud that I've lasted this long before finally feeling the burden of a Long Distance Relationship. While most people start suffering after weeks of separation, it's been months since we first met, and it has taken me until now to realize just how far she really is. It's not a feeling I particularly like...at all.
This realization may have been amplified by this period of uncertainty in other aspects of my life at the moment. As things start becoming bleak, I wish more and more that she was by my side. But I don't want to burden her with anything right now; she's got enough on her plate and certainly doesn't need me to serve her another helping of problems. So instead, I'm taking a page out of her book and writing...just writing to feel better and so far its working.
I had everything planned out before I moved up here. I'd work up in Yellowknife, where the money was good, for my 2.5 year apprenticeship. Upon completing that, I'd move back down south as a licensed engineer, where ever that may be. I'd rent this basement suit for a few months then move to a larger apartment where both my cousin and I can have our space and help each other financially. Then after a year or so, I would have enough money saved to buy my very own truck. The next year and a half would be spent saving and saving, so that when I do move back down south, I'd be able to survive comfortably. Oh, and nowhere did I plan to be involved in a relationship. I needed to get my life on track first before I add someone to it.
Boy how plans change.
Now, with this whole economic crisis happening, I'm praying I'll still be employed by the time my first year is up. My cousin doesn't want to stay any longer than he has to, leading to another move and me wondering how financially stable I'll be, while anticipating a pay-cut or even a lay-off. My dreams of having my own truck dwindle as I face a reality of driving a beater car for the next few years cause I may not be able to afford it. My move back down south may come sooner if I find myself jobless in the near future, a second year apprentice instead of a licensed engineer, far from comfortable and not where I now plan to be.
As platforms I thought I solidified in my life start to crumble a bit, one that stands strong is the one I never intended to form, at least not for a while. She's there almost every day for me, keeping me afloat without her even knowing it probably. Her voice has a healing touch that can lift away these worries, and, temporarily at least, take me away from reality. She is the most beautiful person I know, both inside and out, and I couldn't imagine her not being around to keep me strong durning these times.
I would like nothing more than to wrap her in my arms, knowing that everything will be okay just because she's there with me. But I can't, she's too far away and it's a terrible, heart-wrenching realization. But I love her with all my heart and that, along with the anticipation of finally being with her one day, is strong enough to overcome that longing and pain. Hopefully she will continue to be that beacon of hope and everything will follow suit.
They say good things come to those who wait.
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"Back Home To You" - Cinder Road
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