• I just spent the past hour and half researching Lady Gaga and Candy Darling, filling my brain with everything on wikipedia there is for me to know i love getting lost like this, deep inside a subject that is impossibly far removed from me, and yet i find it even more fascinating than worrying about my own life Today in American Soundtrack class, we tried to coin a name for our millenium generation Just like the 80s was "me, me, me" and the 60s was "drugs peace and love", we have become the generation of obsession Because we can, we want to know everything And even though I'm not reading up about the Jo Bros or miss Miley, I'm still just as guilty as everyone else It's not cool to hate pop culture, so i roll with it Everything's all been done before, society is just a spin off with different lighting I am okay with that because it means that i have a road map of where everything is heading I think we need a musical uprising with hippie drugs and metal hair and online materialism all in one There is no way to undo or fix what we've started I want to get caught up over my head and be part of a movement That's why I do my research, so i can be prepared The only way to reach the masses is by dancing in front of our faces We're so used to the instant gratification of internet acess that we're bored in a matter of minutes I watched 3 hours of trash tv today because i couldn't make my life mnatter When I am alone, without constant companionship, i really realize all the many ways i wish i could change myself Yesterday, I talked to chris about college and he told me he can't go places alone I think that's so odd, mr. manifestation of all my insecurities, is helpless at something I'm starting to manage I don't know what i'll do once i stop writing because my head feels so detatched from the rain clouds that doesn't really make sense, but that's alright It still sounds pretty enough to convince people otherwise We had an AP exam in english and i think i aced it I took half of an adderall because it was there My world felt all soft and happy and full of potntial When I take the drug, i feel superhuman You don't need sleep, you don't get hungry, and everything matters I wish i could inject it, right into my faith, and have it stay in my bloodstream forever I get so scared that one of these days chris will just cut me off, "say alright, that's it, you're done" and i don't know what i'll do if that happens because i've lost my ability for shallow selfish suffering Last saturday I went to a lesbian party and it was so strange and beautiful We all went skinny dipping, those gay girls who don't shave and polished perfect me, and for once i felt so secure I think it's so funny how there can be girls like this, right in my immediate world, who have been taught so differently than me Where did they get that alarming confidence, those gorgeous smiles? For a second I felt jeaoulous they did not have to care, but then i realized i did not either though it is the natural one, this effort i put into looking special is a choice For the place I am at my life right now, I still think it is important, because it is important to me as well as everyone judging I like the makeup and bright colors, the stretchy braclets and bangs I'm trying not to think so much about being skinny because i have enough to work on without it Maybe when I get to college, i'll find the discipline I can't wait to leave this boring town, i hate knowing everyone in the grocery store Yesterday i had to drive Aaron home from the library I decided not to ask questions i didn't really care about the answers to so i avoided feeling awkward i'm not sure if he got off as lucky Most people can't really manipulate their feelings like i can I decided yesterday not to care about people so much anymore i talk about chris so much i fucking annoy myself it's getting old to think i can save him when he clearly doesn't want to be saved i think it's terribly ironic how in 20 years he probably won't even cross my mind Random prom kid, Phil, has a huge crush on me Despite my whole everyone with confidence is beautiful rant, i think it only applies at lesbian parties Even though i kind of wish i wasn't, being around my friends has made me shallow when it comes to appearences Whenver I hang out with Phil, I always think of my best friend J (who every guy finds gorgeous and can therefore choose to be ridiculously selective) wincing He keeps telling me how pretty i am (as in like every other text message) and while that's nice it's very sadly making me believe that i should be with someone more attractive grr that sounds disgusting If i read that in someone else's jounral, i would probably hate them on the spot. i think that's kind of my que to stop before i dig myself in deeper. -Serenity

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