• I'm really worried about chris He went to nationals in ohio last week for gymnastics, something that was such a huge deal for him and he ended up dislocating his elbow and breaking his collar bone competeting I can't imagine chris without gymnastics As much as the drugs, even more than the drugs, gymnastics is who he is It's how I see him, how eric sees him, how i think he needs to see himself so that he can be worth something I called him up after I found out but he had to go do something He said he was in so much pain and i swear to god i felt it for him, deep in the pit of my insides, the place where tears start before they show I told him I was proud of him, in less words of course, and he just shrugged it off I said "i know how hard you worked, this really really sucks" and he said "ya" I hate how i would do anything to make him feel better I hate how this isn't about me, isn't about me at all, and yet i still feel so responsible He comes home today i think I want to see him more than anything I have this strange idea inside my head that if I can physically be there next to him, i will somehow be able to gage how close he is to okay I want to hug him,just comfort him the way he does to me, but the irony is that any embrace will literally cause him pain I'm so scared of what he'll do if this really is it for his gymnastics career, if he's too hurt to try again Even though his seasons over, even though he didn't get into college, I know he would have liked to quit on his own terms I remember how he told me about being a prodigy, how he hated gymnastics for years because it took over his life so he couldn't be a real person He chose drugs I think because with his brother it was such an easy and cliched escape I sat there and listened, not really fearing for him then, because that was just chris But now, I'm scared that without gymnastics he'll become a stranger to everyone, that he'll get caught up in the drugs the way he couldn't before when he still had something to lose I don't know what i'll do if that happens I don't think I could deal with being too weak to save him I want to call him again, but then he'll see how worried I am and shut me off I know he doesn't want pity or appologies but I don't know what else to give I care about him so deeply I'm making myself sick over this There is a rational voice in the back of my head that says whatever happens this is not your problem, but it feels like a lie It is my problem because it's affecting someone who has changed my life I've created too strong a connection to back away when I think there's a little chance I can maybe start to fix this

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