• i wish i could go back to a month ago. things changed so damn fast and i was so damn stupid. i ruined everything. meaningless hook ups couldnt stay meaningless for long. and its too bad. we had it made. and now its broken open on the floor. lying there and we've kicked it, beaten it, we've beaten and kicked that dead beat dog yeah we really have. opened up to him. closed up to him. the good things never do last do they. say it more of a statement rather than a question cause i know its true. and i'm so bored of all these people. smoking, drinking, sex and love gets a little old now doesnt it. always looking for something more thats never there. always taking a deeper meaning to what should be there thats not. its like a ghost. its that feeling thats always walking behind me, next to me, in front of me, in me. impossible to escape no matter what i do. wish it would haunt someone else for awhile i could really use a break. thoughts are all disjointed and in incomplete sentences. random periods in random places. usually just where my brain stops. not really at the end of complete thoughts. yet somehow i like it this way. makes it more real. gives it more feeling. its like its actually coming from me like youre actually reading what im thinking but youre not. you never know all that goes through my head because there so much stuff happening up there thats so unrelated it would make pure chaos on this page. thats what i like tho. organized chaos. sounds like a party to me. thats what parties are. organized chaos. organize a group of people together and let them do what they want. weird how i started writing this because i wanted to pour myself out about these feelings and i end up in such the wrong place. cleansing my soul here feels good though. sky is beautiful wish i would be that. really i wish i was a bird. to sore the sky and be free. literally spread my wings and fly not a care in the world. no feelings of remorse. cause thats all i seem to be feeling these days. seemed to have fucked my entire life up right here. seemed to have messed it up beyond repair. regretting these past few months cause i fell into him. its like that trust game. if i fall back will you catch me. well i asked. he said yes. i played. i fell. but im pulling myself back up. its hard though. he was the first one in such a long time that i let go with. and i just want to stop letting go. but its so hard. cause meaningless hook ups really never seem to stay meaningless for long with me. its too bad cause they would be great if i could keep them that way. im too addicted to the feelings he gives me though. "And the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i can't breath and hope someone will help me this time" rilo kiley said it and i endure it. wonder if jenny lewis actually went through these feelings or if shes just really good at singing about them....

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