• He's still friends with her, and I already knew that - I've felt it since the day he told me what happened. So why, even though I've thought about those two together a million times before this, has my heart rate quickened, and my skin keeps burning hot & cold simultaneously? Even though I know we just had a good weekend together, I could just cry anyway because as long as she's still in his life, neither of us can 100% get over the fact that he cheated on me - no matter how much (or in our case, how little) we talk about it. Did he wonder what I was thinking when she texted him on a Sunday morning while we were in bed together? When I turned away from him for ten minutes, if he'd known I was crying, would he have tried to fix it? And by 'fix it' I don't mean 'kiss me until I relent', I mean talk about it and realise how much it still hurts me. Surely it's obviously not the right thing to do, staying friends? I have no idea what they talk about, how often they see each other, what they mean to each other, exactly how much of a history they have together. And it kills me, lying next to him when the thought flashes through my mind. I can't talk to him about it because I'm too scared of what he might say - or NOT say. I know he doesn't want to talk about it and, if I try, I'll be digging up the past. But what else can I do? Bring up the past, or keep stewing over it until it overwhelms me so much I snap and do something I'll regret? I have these negative thought spirals - I think about it, and my mood just gets worse and worse until I end up getting angry at him for trivial things that don't really matter in the slightest. I get angry at things I know shouldn't matter. I have so much to say to him but when we're together, it's so lovely just being with him that I don't want to waste time being negative. Jesus Christ I hate having thoughts. They muck my head up.

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