• I think it's so strange the way the things that once mattered to me the most:my writing, my music, my safety can fall to the wayside when i replace anything meaningful with reality tv and speeding on the highway For the time being, I have given up on purpose it is simply easaier to just be me I am loud, opinionated; scared smart and different I am proud of that, mostly, but at some times i kind of hate me It's a sad little truth that humans are hypocritical by nature No matter how much I detest the shallow, there will always be a part of me that just wants to fit in I want to be divine and beautiful and skinny, but I want to be seventeen more It's so strange to let yourself go, just say "do what makes you happy" when you've been holding back for so long In less philsiphical news, i'm officiall going to prom with chris He isn't backing out on me which really means alot i know it's soooooooo cliche to expect anything to come out of prom but I just have a good feeling I hate to admit it, but i really do care about chris alot Even though he can be a jerk, sometimes that's exactly whati need for mtoivation He's such a part of my battle with fear and gymnastics that i really owe it to him that i haven't given up yet Ithink on some subconscous level i'm kind of in awe of his ability because it's fearlessness and determination like i could never begin to imagine for myself In some way, I want to save him i want to be his motivation to turn his life around it bothers me so much when he tells me that failing college doesn't matter when I know him well enough to see that it does He forgets how much he's told me, i think That's the problem with giving your life away You never know just how deeply it will cut the people you have involved

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