• (bear in mind this was a FUN essay to write, I was being scathing and sarcastic the WHOLE WAY THROUGH, i obviously do not agree with most of the things written in this) Joining a new school 5 years into the system is always going to be difficult; especially when each school seems to have a different social etiquette to the next. As we appreciate what a struggle this transition may prove to be, the kind pupils of South Wilts have compiled a set of rules which will help you easily find your way into the heart of Year 11. First up, unsurprisingly, is fashion. It’s uncommon to find an all-girls’ school that doesn’t contain girls who pride themselves on their appearance. In South Wilts, the only way to pass as remotely ‘stylish’ is to cover yourself heat-to-toe in the Abercrombie & Fitch and Jack Wills clothing brands. Never mind that all of these clothes are generic, dull and unremarkable – they have labels printed across the front, therefore they are credible clothes to wear. Team these nondescript designer items with backcombed hair and your grandmother’s handbag et voila, you’ll be the belle of the school. The next thing to be scrutinised by South Wilts Team Cool will be your social life. Extracurricular activities are optional, though largely ignored and passed off as a “dorky pastime”. This also applies to instrumental lessons and partaking in sporting events. There are a few exceptions to this rule, however; the playing of hockey and/or netball will help elevate your status dramatically. Another way to broadcast your name is to throw a party. The plan is simple: create a Facebook page, invite anyone and everyone (whether or not you know them is unimportant), rent a village hall and subsequently trash it. As for alcoholic beverages…Well, everyone who is anyone already knows that a litre of Tesco’s vodka is all you need for an enjoyable night of stumbling, raving and flirting. Ideally, at the end of the night, your excessive intake of spirits will catch up on you and you’ll be photographed with your head in a toilet with a gaggle of equally drunk girls queuing behind you for the same reason. There are rumours travelling around the school as we speak – apparently a girl was taken to hospital on Friday night to get her stomach pumped. Needless to say, the aforementioned Party Princess was not short of admirers and gossipers to chat to in registration this morning. Moving on to the biggest teenage talking topic of all time - the S word is an important factor in your growing popularity. Many girls choose to wait until they have reached the legal age of 16 and are in a secure, loving relationship before they start to wonder about sex. Other, less patient girls choose to experience it first-hand with whichever boy happens to cross their path at the right moment. Can you guess which of these categories the popular crowds fall into at South Wilts? Yes, that’s right – and the more public the place in which you choose to Do The Deed, the better. Some have chosen bushes, others prefer benches, a number of girls seem partial to a quick fumble in a dark field. Of course, safety is of the utmost importance in these circumstances. If adequate protection isn’t available at the time, never fear: remember that clinics hand out the morning after pill like Smarties. Take a leaf out of the cool girls’ books, and visit these clinics during school hours, a day or two after your encounter. It kills two birds with one stone – ditching school and preventing teenage pregnancy at the same time. If you think all of these rules sound confusing, then you’re not alone. If, however, you think you have what it takes, that you could triumph in this school if you so wish, then there’s one challenge left to face you. To become part of the Elite in South Wilts Year 11, you must be an expert in all the above fields and still manage to return to school every morning a model pupil, achieving A* grades in every subject. Only a few have truly accomplished this in the past, and these girls have been rightly remembered since – look for the murals on the backs of the toilet cubicles around the school. If acceptance is all you want from this school, then you now know all there is to know. Go forth and conquer.

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