• field trip to UMA today. saw GH for the first time in a year. pretty much assaulted him to give him a hug. was happy to see him. didn't get to say goodbye. wish i had, 'cause he said he's never coming back. and he's not coming home for the summer either. i said last year that i might never see him again. now i know i probably won't. i wish i had said goodbye. i had a massive crush on him for 4 years. ever since i met him. i think that counts for something. goodbye would have been nice. maybe that's why i'm hesitant about J. because i still like GH, in some form at least. even though he's out of my league. even though he's gone. and speaking of J, since when is he a theater kid? he was at school when we got back, going to see H and P's play. i wasn't aware that he went to plays of his own volition. i thought he usually just tagged along. i wish he'd asked if i was going to go... oh well. i'm gonna see the play on tuesday regardless. maybe i'll call him tomorrow to see how it was... but again, of course we all know that won't happen. long story short, in a pretty crappy mood. although. he did almost go outside with me. but he was headed that direction anyway... i have no idea what he was doing in the lobby, since we went back to the blackbox and he stayed there. i dunno. and when i said i was dizzy- which was true, although it was more lightheadedness than wheestaggerfall dizzy- he sounded really concerned when he asked if i was ok. i'm probably just making shit up. i felt guilty all day for being so happy to see G. i kept thinking of them both, back and forth, back and forth. i don't know anymore. i feel like being excited all week to see GH counts as cheating. even though nothing's official and i'm not bound to anyone. as much as i like J, more and more i feel like i'm just stringing him along. i hate this.

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