• So this is what I've been reduced to in my grand scheme of things? I've wasted my time dealing with all of this, and all of my demons that flow within my veins, like a spinning room. I want only two things you and freedom, one is slightly more obtainable than the other. But some things just keep going, no matter how hard I try to move away from it. It keeps coming back stronger than before, I can't close my eyes without seeing you, I am to twisted up within all of this to keep myself afloat. I'm tired of ignoring what I want, I'm tired of denying myself happiness, I'm just sick of nothing going according to plan. I'm just sick of living... I trust you, I trust you enough to let you in as far as you have, you've read the books, you still don't have any answers, to my questions, maybe if you were to read VIII it might make sense but I can't. Not yet, not at this point it would be like opening Pandora's Box and all the fucking crap that would be revealed is just too damaging. Maybe I'm too scared to find out the truth, I don't want to know, I'd rather live in my head. Where only I can seem to hurt myself. Not that I'm saying you'd hurt me, no of course you wouldn't, you wouldn't intentionally hurt me as I wouldn't want to hurt you... But knowing me, I would, I'd never want to, believe me, I would never hurt you, but I do, I push everyone away in the end. I keep people at a distance so I don't have to deal with them forever, but you, you're different, you got inside my head, my heart, all of it, like I thought I was going to die alone, by my own hand alone in less than seven years now. But you gave me fucking purpose a life that is worth sticking with, that we are not all nihilistic, self-serving and hollow. That people can be real (whatever that means in this day and age). I surrounded right now and I see nothing worth liking about 90% of them, the other 10% is a safety measure. You know it all. What I can't say...

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