• I really think that the human condition is the most depressing thing in the entire fucking world right now i feel so strongly so awake, aware, so feeling it's all there on the surface, that drive and desire i can see the meaning, for a second believe that my life is worth more than a million hours gazing at a tv screen but even so, deep down i do realize that come tomorow, come even an hour i won't feel like this anymore no matter how many times i repeat inside my head that these thoughts are who i am, that it's so good to be unnumbed i'll still wake up feeling empty i wish i could somehow hang onto these moments take that sad scene i clung to and replay it again i do understand how small and uninfluential i am but that's what scares me more than anything i am too little to hold onto the hurt to anchor it on the shore so i can see it, graze it make it my everything so instead, i adapt and fold i become part of the mass and machine i go to school, i interact stupid small talk, careless laughter but the irony is, i don't hate all of it there are times, where when i lose myself i forget i'm even in pain that i don't fit this mold that it's only a game i truly feel happy just simple human happy and it's so crazy because i can reach this other end of the spectrum too when i write, or when i do these drugs when i'm alone i feel so extroidinary like lightening and glass where i think to myself: from now on things will never be the same and even though i am so wrong every time in all of those moments i really try to mean that i realize because of this hypocrisy is inevitable i am caught up in the middle of a road and an extreme sometimes it's so much easier to be emotionless to just sit in front of whatever they put before you and just fucking take it, live in the moment go to sleep instead of escaping but at night, this part of me that fights comes out where i want to write, where i want to dream different when the motivation comes out of hiding i know this is the me i am proud of but she always disappears in the morning light i can't hold onto her, she's too elusive that slippery balm of human condition is raining down her shoulders

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