• so i had this whole angry rant planned out. however i suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of calmness and there's no way i can do anything spiteful right now. i am in such a cuddly mood right now. it's rare. i write about it in my other journal sometimes. and those entries are always my favorite to re-read because it's such a softer version of myself that i really don't show very often. but that's mostly because i don't have anyone i feel any real affection towards. but i feel like when i do finally let my guard down, it will mean so much more. because if someone is willing to wait it out, then they deserve that compensation. i will admit it. i put people through a lot to get close to me. even my closest friends are kept at a distance. i will also admit this is no real way to live. self-protection is really lonely. and it's not a good feeling to know there's nobody in this world i can put my trust in. that's why i find it so captivating to watch people show vulnerability. because it's something i can't understand and something that's different from myself. people who just put themselves out there and say "this is me, this is what i'm about and this is how i feel." one part of me really dislikes that though. because there's no wonder. it's all revealed. i almost feel like the people you have to work to get to know, are the ones who are really worth knowing. i mean... the popular kids are fucking boring. the rebel kids are pretentious. they try too hard. but the quiet kids. the nerds and the outcasts. they are the heroes of my school. well to me at least. i really want to find somebody who communicates through touch. i really really do. talking is overrated. please just hold my hand. i can understand that better than any words you tell me.

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