• an eluardian instance - of montreal i found a bunch of things i wrote last year and before they were written on random pages of unused notebooks saved under ambiguous titles on my computer stuck in between papers and books on my book shelves mixed in with old math papers in old folders i think i'll put them up here starting with this: october 8, 2008 1254am have you ever closed your eyes to go to sleep, and seen the different shades of darkness? these different shades and patterns move around inside your eyelids they deepen and lighten, shrink and grow, twist, turn, slide, wiggle, flash, fade, morph and it's distracting and it makes you uneasy and panicked it's like an itch you can't scratch a peice of hair in the back of your throat sleep is no longer an option first priority is to stop. make everything stop moving STOP IT! SHUT UP! STOP DOING THAT! your brain is in overdrive. you want to claw at your eyes until they stop throwing a kalidescope in front of you a kalidescope of black you never realize how many degrees of nothing there really are all your life, you think there is nothing to see on the reverse side of your eyelids. and now... this. you toss and turn, now unable to even close your eyes, for the restlessness is too much to bear and it's scary. you're scared, because you don't understand. you're delerious from the sleep deprivation, and you're going completely insane. but after all the convincing that it's all in your head, and you're just tired - you're still scared. because if you can't find peace and stillness under the safety of sleep, behind the comfort of your own eyelids, then where can you?

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