• All this time is breaking me down I need more sleep, but i need more feeling sometimes when i sleep, i don't even dream and that scares me can people just become shallow? I wish i had a warning I'm so afraid of ending up alone For a second today i believed I was unloveable it doens't matter that i'm smart, doesn't matter that I'm pretty it never seems to be enough i made myself listen to stay or leave and think about matt There are so many things i've done that I want to take back i wish i could have said the right thing or known the best feeling when i get angry, i mean really really angry, its all i can get through i don't know how to get out of the corners of this room i'm boxed in so tight and i can't find the windowsill Dan is being distant i don't care, but i do I can't figure out how to stop this caring, it consumes me it's like a fire, burning inside no no no, that's not deep, it's just nonsense I string words together and pretend they make sense just to see if your following along i would still care if matt died in fact, i know i would cry at the very front of his funeral and feel as though i had that right even though everything between us is now only ashes I keep seeing him in the hall and it unsettles me he graduates next year i wonder if i'll honestly miss him love is sucha futile word i don't know why we even try to map a concept that is ineffable i hate when girls i barely know say "love ya" at the end of phone calls it makes my stomach churn around and i just can't make myself say meaningless words back i always start to wish i had more frinds and then i remember that i hate people i should probably work on that oh well, one more bullet to add to the list of all my imperfections

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