• I feel the most insanely hopeless I have felt in a long time. Somebody might come along and say "Everything will be alright", but I can only write them off as a cynic or an idiot, because neither of them know why I'm thinking the way I do. I don't even know. I'm sitting here, doing my homework, and every once in a while, my breath picks up and I get a strange feeling in my arms and my mind starts telling me that I'm the laziest, and the dumbest bitch in the world. I feel terrible. I don't think I've ever felt this bad. At least I can still think enough. I hear my mom and dad talking and I always think it's about me and how lazy I am for not doing my homework and I make them worry too much. I feel like I should go out and bawl my head off. Someone will tell me "You've got no reason to cry, you're just a dumb, spoiled, kid whose never really felt desperate and you should feel sorry for the girls who don't even know if they'll be alive the next morning cause of all the pills and razors they swallowed." But that's the thing, I can't think that way anymore. Nothing exists for me at all. I'm too concerned about what is and isn't happening to me because I feel like I'm having a panic attack all the time. The thought "I'm going to die, I'm dying, what'll I do" is always racing through my brain and my face wobbles because every time I try to answer, I feel too much and I'm about to cry. I feel like cutting, but my mom keeps checking my shoulder and I don't know where else I should cut where know one will ever see. Last week, I've only been able to get to sleep until midnight, because of all the homework that I would always have to do and not one of the teachers is making it better and I feel like just the dumbest bitch in the world. My mom keeps asking me if I want to see a doctor because she sees in my face that I'm not happy and it's been a while since the fact, but I always say no because the only thing they'll do is load me up with carbamazepine and prozac and I'll still feel like dying, but every day, I feel like asking HER more and more and I almost cried when I wrote that. I'm just acting like some dumb girl that doesn't know anything. You know what I should do? I should just start telling people what I think. At first, I feel like I'm being too assertive, but maybe this'll be better. Maybe I should learn to be a better flirt. I should go out with friends more often. I should be louder. And while I'm at it, maybe I should grow a fucking pair! Off to do some more homework. And I was going to write about a dream I had. And it was a good dream, too.

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