• I am so utterly afraid to die. Last night as I tried to sleep I thought about death and the afterlife, and for a second I thought about how I might not remember anything. Not Dar, Camden, Trev, Suss, Ali, Oli, movies, books, words, songs, melodies, nothing. And for a few seconds I was absolutely paralyzed with fear. I could move my legs and I could hardly breathe I was so terrified. I calmed down of course, but I just realized that no matter how happy or found I am I will always be afraid. Sometimes I feel like I've come to terms with death. I come to the conclusion that it will happen and I should just be happy and live my life and not worry. But then I usually think about it one day offhandedly, like last night, and just start the whole cycle over again starting with fear. Yesterday was Dar's birthday. I hope he had a really nice one, he says he did, and he seemed to have a good time. I wore a skirt to school. I wore it like an umpire dress with a red square cut shirt under it. I looked nice and Dar liked how I looked. It was sunny and warm, around 63 actually. I just wish I could shed those thoughts of death, just forever. I just wish I could live and that is all, just live. But if I did that I would lose my questioning quality and then I don't think life would be the same anyway. I know it's a primitive thought, but I don't want things to change. I don't want people to die or change or leave I just want things to stay. But at the same time we need change. I just sometimes think about how no matter what I do I will still die. There is no getting around it. Whether I change the world or do great things, I am still going to die. Gosh, there are a lot of things I need to do. I need to make another list. Quote of the Day: ~“It is foolish to pretend that one is fully recovered from a disappointed passion. Such wounds always leave a scar.”~ --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow PS- ash, I wrote you a letter, but I need to rewrite it and mail it. I am soooo sorry.

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