• ah i need to party it's been too long since i've had a buzz in my system, music blasting through my ears i'm listening to 3OH!3, which is probably why i'm thinking like this i love scene music, all these songs that make the unaccepatable okay so i don't feel crazy, just special in that fucked up kind of sense today was actually pretty quality i feel so much more in control of my life all of a sudden i think it has something to do with confidence i've become so much less afraid of being let down i've gotten so much better at accepting today at gymnastics i actually let myself suceed i did my full and no one got hurt somehow i was able to chase away the fear far enough to focus on the desire chris was really nice to me too, which was weird it's crazy but i feel like i can listen to him longer now that i don't really want him i think it's because i took his advice and stopped worrying about him his stories make me laugh instead of cringe i'm not really resentful of the way he doesn't care anymore that's just who he is but yea, he kissed me goodbye on the cheek and wished me good luck for my meet tomorow strangely, it made me really want to do well i;m not that nervous anymore i guess i think i can do it if i reallu try

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