• wow long time no journal i guess this is going to be a long entry because i have quite the update: I kind of have a boyfriend now i say this not for the omfg no way no way effect, just more as a clarification i need to remind me, to document the epicness, of having a nice decent guy actually want to be with me so basically, it's kind of awesome we're not actually technically exclusive yet, but it feels like it he walks me to class and kisses me goodbye we text like every waking second possible yea...he's pretty much a shoo-in for the cliche high school relationship i'm looking for lol today dan (yes that's right my crush from before) walked right past matt when we were holding hands it was weird, but i kind of felt nothing i mean, i expected to have this great vengence moment like ha! take that! but no matt just felt like any other random nameless person i'm not sure if that means i'm completely over everything that happened or if i've honestly managed to convince my brain that my matt and hallway matt are unrelated i know i think about him less and less, but from time to time i feel like it's good to remember the weird thing is now that i'm with dan, i really do believe it was my past experiences with matt and chris that allowed me to believe i deserve to be loved people keep telling me how they could never do what i did with dan and just straight up tell someone they liked them too much fear of rejection, i guess but for me, i learned the hard way that you never get what you want if you don't go after it it sounds corny, but it's so fucking true guys don't pick up on hints you have to just sit down with them and be like, listen: this is how i feel so this is what i want from you it's not fair to expect anyone to be a mind reader maybe he could have said no, but i had a good feeling trusting your instincts is key the human mind is fucking powerful if you know how to use it but the thing is, if i hadn'tmessed up so bad with chris and matt, iprobably wouldn't have figured that out and i think that's part of the reason i have so much hope for the way things could work out with dan this time, i feel ready i'm so much less vulnerable because i know what i deserve i'm so sick of letting people judge me and telling me i'm not good enough because really, as long as i can truly say deep down inside that for the most part i am okay with me, then i don't see the problem if i break it down, people are just as annonymous as any other species i have accepted that my life is unimportant it sounds kind of depressing, but there's this huge upside that no one ever really looks it because the good part of being that uninfluential is that no matter how bad you fuck up, your mistakes are completely impermanent i kind of had an opiffany this morning if i look at my life individual, i can see all these building blocks that piece it together for instance, my life can basically be broken down into school, home, friends, gymnastics, etc and then even within all these assets come subdivisions for school, i have grades, reputation, attitude for gymnastics, i have effort, relationships, determination the lists can just go on and on getting more specific forver but seriously: if your life, your entire existence is unimportant? then all those facets, everything that makes you you? they're like fucking paper clips to the rest fo the world i guess what i'm trying to say is that you have to live life completely for yourself in the end, making everyone else happy just makes you miserable it's taken me a while, but i think i've really been able to embrace that i can now watch tv without feeling guilty i can make an executive descision that i care more about music than grades once you have priorities in order, the rest is easy it's just getting there, the breaking away well, that part is some hard ass shit best of luck, serenity

• No Comments

Log in now to tell us what you think this song means.

Don’t have an account? Create an account with SongMeanings to post comments, submit lyrics, and more. It’s super easy, we promise!