• There's a little pill in a decorated card board box on my bedroom dresser waiting for me to take it and stay up all night and study for midterms Chris gave it to me on sunday or rather, i stole it off the floor it's only addderall, but still it's a turning point, a line to cross i'm kind of scared i'm too self conscious to get there Today at gymnastics was rough I hate the way i let fear control me I feel it underneath my skin, ingrained in every bone warning me in that little voice don't push too hard because you just might suceed and we wouldn't want that to happen now would we? I think i need the attention that comes with being scared it's a position of victimhood, really because basically,most people just give up after a while since they have no idea how fucking crazy it is inside your head and when they walk away, you can just say fuck you, i don't need this even if you do chris helped me out again today for some reason, it just makes me so greatful to sort of half have him I think he knows how much i sometimes need one person in the entire world who isn't me to care just so i can push past my limits sunday with him got a little crazy i got drunk off the rum and vodka he bought us i fucked him in j's workout room after she and bmuff cleared out H kind of "accompanied" us um awkward? but whatever, it was fine i bit chris so hard it left wild animal bruises seeing them at the gym makes me feel strangely in control i think the whole experience made us closer, which is good i need closeness otherwise i start to drift away into my elsewhere and it takes so many days of waking up early and crying to sleep to force myself back in

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