• i cant talk to this guy because i dont have the balls at all. you dont even understand my stomach right now i could puke its all in knots and i feel sick about it im so scarred of doing it bc im so scarred hes just totally gunna reject me AGAIN and i cant take that im fucking crying over this and then every time he signs off or i go to sleep at night knowing i didnt do it i hate myself for it its complete torture but i cant do it cause its better to not know what he says than to know if he says something horribly mean but i know that if i dont do it that it will be worse. ignorance is bliss but even the perfect paradise can be hell. it was the worst ending to 2008 ever the worst ending of a year i think ive ever had. and i just wanna be able to be friends with everyone and be happy but its not possible at all. cause i seem to be the only person willing to put shit behind and get over. i want things to go back to the way they were in october that was the best and worst month of my life and the day you stopped calling me was the day i stopped living. i still have that voicemail you left me on my phone. the one that only says hey um its me uh heres my new number uhh i forgot to give it you you so yeah uh call me back or something byee. you sounded so nervous and vulnerable and then at the same time like you totally didnt give a rats ass if i called or not. but i knew you wanted me to call so badly but i let you sweat and waited two days and then called and you seemed so relieved and then there wasnt a night that went by that we didnt talk and it was glorious i was in heaven and you were my ecstasy but now its all over. you stopped calling and i think i died a little inside. cause your voice is how i fell asleep but i tried to get over you it was just so damn hard. and i never completely did but i just wanted to be your friend to see you and have you look in my eyes with a genuine hello but its never going to happen. cause you dont care about me anymore and i dont have the courage to talk to you cause youre everything i love and everything i hate wrapped in one and it scares me so much inside. and you left me and seemed like everything was gone cause i had finally found someone to share my day with and sneak out at night with to wrestle with in the basement and tell me the truth you didnt care if you hurt me cause you knew i would just hurt you back and get over it you told me everything and it all felt so right. but it ended and you didnt care then. you left me and i wanted to leave me too. cause i knew there had to be something wrong with me for everyone to walk out on me like this. i did stupid things to myself and i became a shadow of myself and now im finding my footing and my way again and you come back and just cut me down. you dont want me to get back up and i will do whatever you want but its over im done surrendering to this. im going to get this done and over with im going to fling the door wide open walk in the room and then leave slamming it shut forever looking for a new door leading to a brighter world. a world i know i deserve.

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