• i'm a over active, hyper active, over organized, obsessive mess. i have meticulous order of things and i obsess that they be in that order and perfect. homework and such takes me hours when everyone else it takes minutes and i have no time for a real social life when all i wanna do is make sure that my school career is perfect, perfect grades, perfect comments, seamless transitions of life elementary to middle to high school onto college and then the real world. but its scary cause my schedule is chuck full of things to do a schedule i dont like to stray from. i even have the time of my shower and such written to make sure it happens and gets done properly. i'm afraid of not going anywhere in life. i want to succeed in everything i do and it scares me to not be good at something. i'm fully afraid of failure. i like to have a schedule that is so full i have no time to stop and think because thinking can lead me thoughts to stray from the true path of life and it scares me that something wont go as i plan it or that i really dont know where my life will truly go in the future. i'm afraid of growing old all alone and so i dont think about the true romance and love my life my spouse, husband, lover, w.e you wish to call him or her i dont know which cause i havent met em yet and that scares me but it also scares me to think maybe i have met them and i messed it up and now im destined to alone forever or maybe its someone i do know that it does become my "7th grade sweetheart" oh how tragic that would be cause he has to be one of the biggest asses ever. night time seems to be the worst part cause i can sit and think about anything i want for however long i want till the morning and comes and i have to go back to school back to that perfect schedule back to my life as i know it. i spend sleepless nights letting my mind wonder and wishing it wouldnt cause it scares me to know that there are so many things i can not control out there, that are totally out of my grasp to understand. i will never know the future until it happens and in seconds that becomes the present and it scares the living shit outta me to think about that. i want solid concrete facts that wont change unless i change them myself. and all this makes me realize how im being completely unrealistic. cause everything will work out the way its supposed to in the end. we're destined for something and thats that. and i know that im going to go where i want to go if i set my mind to it but im so afraid of slipping and fucking all my hard work up. but i know in my heart i wont yet i cant get over it. my weekends are mine to behold and i spend them with people i love and i have a good time i know how to balance and i know how to maintain even if i think i dont i really do. i pretty much like writing in this journal to write what happens in my head down. im not looking for anyone to actually read it or talk about it or comment it. its just a place i know i can write w.e i want and no one will care and if it doenst make sense they wont care cause its what i think and i lvoe that and i know no one will actually find this and read it and know its me. i can write all this down and then its outta my head i know if i wanna think about it i can always read it again but i dont have to have it all crammed in my head 24-7 it reminds me of that well thing in HP and the goblet of fire that Dumbledoor (or however its spelled)uses. i love that feeling. it makes me feel so much freer and helps me to realize so many more things. just from writing ive become happier and let go of so much and have been able to realize what i need to change my life to make me happy. "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony." - Mahatma Gandhi and thats totally what im working on right now making everything in harmony so that my life is how i think and want it to be so that i am happy. i always feel like i write so much but i dont care cause its good to. im not afraid of much else (spiders, heights, falling from those heights, growing old alone and failure) that doesnt seem all too bad. but i guess it depends on how you look at it. w.e though cause now im starting to truly know how to make things work and im happy to just wait for everything in time. cause i know that whats supposed to be will be and that whats not wont. "Remember not always getting what you want can be a wonderful stroke of luck."~Dalai Lama and well its extremely true. im never letting stupid little things get me down and i will be above it all and stand strong. new years resolution even though i vowed i wouldnt have one is to conquer being afraid of failure and to let my life take its course. i will continue to work hard at it all and be the best i can be but i will no longer obsess over getting an A rather than a A+ its completely ridiculous and i see that now.

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