• well im just looking for some companionship someone to hold me and cuddle with that will tell me everythings fine and that im beautiful. but i look for it in all the wrong places. im okay with that though cause you start to settle and thats that. we accept the love we think we deserve. and i guess i dont think i deserve any. cause im easy for a one night stand and its hard times. everyones perceived me as this girl that anyone can get with that just wants sex sex and more sex. but its not true at all. i want someone to want me. i want a special person to be there for me. i just cant find that ever so i accept the illusion of love. i accept the lust in disguise as the love i crave. i let my brain believe and i let my heart take hold when i know its just another night that doesnt mean a damn thing to either of us. i get attached to nothing and the feeling that nothingness gives me. my mind takes hold and creates something so much more. i expect so much more from the person even though i truly know i shouldnt. i go into every relationship with doubts and the understanding that theyre gunna leave me but i go in anyway. i choose to fool myself and be blind. fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. keep fooling me and im the ass the biggest fool. some how ive come to accept this as the truth. i ask for very little. a hand to hold, arms to be wrapped around me, and kisses on my forehead. calls at night to say good night i love you and calls in the morning to say good morning i love you. its strange that i know when we say i love you it really means nothing. i love you is an empty meaning to people our age. this day and age everything is love; i love my car, i love this food, i love that house etc and it means nothing. saying i love you to a person has absolutely no meaning. its not weighted down with all the emotions and commitment it should be. i love you should come with a ring and a marriage proposal and thats all. it should be a forever type thing no going back once i love you is said its meant. so many of us will never get a real true i love you with ring and wedding and kids after. we'll get false hopes and broken hearts that never meant a damn thing. cause its so impersonal these days. if you go to one place this person will say i love you and break up with you just the same as if you never went in the other direction and never met them but met someone else who said and did the exact same things. so dont take it as its over cause its gunna happen to everyone just the same. and remember youll say and do the exact same things so dont make it too personal cause it never really is. yet knowing all this its all i want. i want the illusion i want the fakeness i dont seem to care about the consequences and the fact that its not true or that it wont last. i know that its not gunna be the person i marry or love and grow old with for the rest of my life. but it sure is a great feeling for the time being. i just wanna know that im desirable for more than just a hook up. its not really a lot to want or ask but it seems damned near impossible to get. i'll keep trying though and i'll lose faith and regain faith and give up and get back up. its all a game it is just one i dont seem to be especially good at playing.

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