• i had hopes this time. i was so proud of myself for keeping it a secret. i was so convinced i would actually do it. but i don't think i will after all. it's just not a good idea. what with them and all. what with her hating them all. what with me not wanting to choose a side. 'cause honey, as much as i love you, i do think sometimes you overreact. i do think that, i'll be honest. but at the same time, i almost think you deserve to overreact. i'm making this decision more for her than for me. ...this is a change, right? thinking of others before myself is good, right? if putting them first is good, why does it make me feel so bad? i think i'm seeing a pattern here. as soon as i get my hopes up, as soon as i decide there's something going for me, as soon as i decide there's a chance- something comes up that turns the whole thing on its head. i think there's one person right now that thinks this may end well. the rest, well... "you'd be adorable together! but it would never work." "he'll side with his mom in a minute!" "i've known for two months..." [and i wasn't the one who told you.. and you won't say who it was. but i have a feeling i know.] i dunno. i swear, i'm going to go be a hermit. then i wouldn't have to deal with this. why can't things ever work out? please, just this once, let it work. i always knew i would back out. i always knew. so why did i get myself into it in the first place? and this catharsis would help more if there was another me that could answer these questions, rather than just the me that asks and doesn't know and doesn't want to hear it.

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