• sometimes i worry the people i converse with aren't real. as in everyone else exists except those i feel comfortable with. like i'm tricking myself into making a bond. and everyone thinks i'm crazy. talking to no one. at least talking to no one anyone else can see. but i think they're real. i really do because they're just like everyone else. just like all those other normal legitimate people. what if that's true? i'm talking to air? conversing with apparitions? what must people think? i see people talking to themselves sometimes and think "what sort of mental condition must they have?" i know i enjoy self-preservation, but to fool myself into secure friendships? could i go that far? i should hope not. last night i tired staying awake. i watched a few episodes of DeadLikeMe on dvd. quality show. sleep deprivation is a strange thing. it opens your mind. allows you to see beyond the surface world. that's not always good though. it's kindof like how when you don't eat for a few days and you start blacking out. at first you think you're seeing things because it comes in traveling spots that fly across your line of vision. but then more and more black spots show up and soon you can't see at all. anyways i've been lying about dinner lately. but not tonight tonight tonight. austen taught me that deprivation makes you appreciate things more. if you feel pain, put yourself through more pain. because then the initial hurt won't be as bad. you'll have proof it can be worse. evidence that complaints and whines are stupid. verification that tears and emotion is weakness. and when you can take it without a sound, bruises turn into badges of strength. cuts and scratches are the markings of success. it's all about hiding what can't be mastered. keeping things under control. because control is key.

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