• Today was by far the weirdest day i've had in a long time It started out pretty blah, i woke up at 5 to finish some homework, went through the motions of being in class at artschool, i think i fell asleep with my eyes open for a bit i love zoning out like that, to the foggy murkiness where you're not sure what's fake and what actually happened It makes me feel so much less self-concious, like nobody's watching anyhow I can disappear to the place where i go, and nobody knows if it's night or day But the real strange part of my day was at gymnastics I'll just spill the ending because it keeps blasting through my mind and i can't wait until it comes up chronilogically so. Chris kissed me like meaningfully. What? I guess i kind of have to back up a bit, because otherwise it sounds even more ridiculous than it actually is It's complicated and unexpected, but i think i might actuslly be able to make some sense see, i have this problem at gymnastics where i get terrified of every new skill (and some old ones) that i'm not 100% confident in It's a horrible habbit, and i hate it, because i can see how much i let the fear hold me back it gets the best of me, frustrating until i just let my head win and give up when i was younger and less realistic, i used to cry every time i failed i wouldn;t even bother going to the bathroom, i just beratted and publically humiliated myself into doing the skill By the time i finally convinced my brain to just fucking go for it, nothing could feel like sucess anymore the time lag made it seem just like "oh finally, took you long enough" In short, i forgot how to be proud of myself I think in that year i took off, i learned a lot about the uselessness of pashion For instance, loving the sport and what i could do with it unconditionally didn;t make me any better i literally had no one in my corner but me to determine my achievements and downfalls and sometimes now, when i'm trying to hate myself into breaking the fear, that little voice begging me not to go points out that nothing i do will make a difference anyway to anyone hwo isn;t me and the truth in that is numbingly comforting, because it means i don't have to spend the rest of the night feeling like crap over something that doesn't matter Tonight i was working a new dismount on bars that freaked me out, so i wouldn't go for it When chris came over, i asked him for help shockingly, he wasn't unkind or even pissed off, the way most people get when i let them down i think he actually even understood what i meant when i talked about needing someone else who isn't me to care It took me so many tries, but he stayed coaching me instead of just giving up and walking away like everyone else and then when i finally did it, he actually made me feel good, like it was still something special even though it took so frustratingly long coming i don't think he could have possibly understood how much that meant to me, or how that little moment is one i'll keep in mind for the first time in forever,i remembered why i was putting my body through all the pain and let down that is gymnastics I love the sport, but more importantly i love the way i have to work so hard to get there Doing the skill should be important, no matter how many failed attempts have to come first i think i just really needed this one, because if it weren;t for chris i'm sure i would have given up and walked away i still don't really know why he kissed me, but it was nice in a familiar kind of way i'm not stupid, i don;t think this means we're back together or anything like that But it was the perfect way to show he does actually care i'm going to bed now, but i'm really glad that i got to have today thank you for the faith -serenity

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