• honestly this will be more like a diary for me. i don't think many people, if any at all, will be reading it, so this is the perfect place for me to talk about whatever i want. which is what i need right now. so, a lot of stuff has obviously happened or is going to happen. one of the best people i've ever met in my life died sunday of his kidney cancer. he was only 16. i loved him a lot, as a friend. i really looked up to him as a brother more than anything, and he was as protective as one, but apparently he loved me in a different way. he told me so, one day, after telling me he was in so much pain he thought he would die that night... i feel so freaking guilty... i mean, i know i didn't cause his cancer, but i caused him a lot of heartache. not only did he love me and i didn't love him that way (because i have a boyfriend and as i said, i thought of benny as a brother), but he was having a struggling battle with being gay. he had discovered reluctantly that he was gay when he was 12 or something. he didn't want to be gay, and he tried very hard to like girls for his mother's sake. but he always failed... but then he met me and apparently i was the only girl he ever loved. this is the second guy who has declared their impossible love to me and died... i would love to say i'm lying but i'm not. my older friend from greece (yeah, of all places) killed himself october 3rd. i know i'm definitely not the cause of him doing that, if anything a small portion of what caused it. he was a trainwreck... i really loved him as well, as a friend i guess you could say, but also in a different way. certainly not in the way i love evan (my boyfriend), but in a way that resembled that kind of love. i don't know, he was just a very amazing person... a mysterious person, i didn't really understand him. and he didn't understand me much either, and thought the same about me. he was very stubborn also, and got frustrated really easily because i was always so ridiculous and argumentative with him about myself (i never believed the things he admired about me existed). i thought it was adorable how angry he would get... i never dated him, though, ever. i may have dated him before i met evan (i'd known him before i knew evan), but first of all, he lived in greece. second of all, his age. third of all, he pretty much was a sex fiend. he always wanted sex, sex, sex. not as much from me as he did with his girlfriends. he loved me in some real way, which was foreign to him considering he never loved anyone in that way, he told me. i broke his heart as well and i feel like shit for that. i feel almost worse for this because he killed himself, he didn't simply die like benny (the previous guy mentioned). it seems like all the guys i heartbreak die. you better believe i'm gonna keep evan's heart as together as i possibly can. if i lost him, i have no idea how i could go on. which brings me to my next topic... evan (naturally). lately he and i have been, uhm, progressing in our relationship. we'll have been dating for 9 months this christmas, so i guess it's natural that we're this far into our relationship. but i'm very young, so the things i've already done are considered "bad". but the things we're planning TO do soon are possibly quite worse. i'm ready and everything, but not without being scared and nervous. i love evan to bits, and i'm sure about moving on in our relationship, but i'm not sure how i'm going to handle it. tomorrow we go to pick him up (my parents let him stay at our house but... naturally, they don't know what we've done or what we plan to do) for the weekend. i'm so nervous but so excited all the same. we don't plan on doing the big "it" this weekend, but he's bringing a condom just to be safe. i've read that condoms are 98% effective in preventing pregnancy, but i'm still very worried that the condom will break... according to my ovulation chart, i shouldn't be ovulating anymore this month (i was earlier) or around the times he'll be here this month, so it's maybe 30% less likely that i will get pregnant. so combined, with the correct usage of the condom and with it not breaking, i have a 128% chance that i won't get pregnant. i'm just still worried. but he and i have talked about all of these things, and we really don't want to focus on getting all worked up with worries because that will take all the fun out of it. so we're both immensely excited, we're both equally as nervous though. this will be both of our first times. honestly i think i must be a bit more worried than him, considering i'm a girl... and it's supposed to be painful. i'm pretty much completely sure that it's going to be excruciatingly painful (unlike some fortunate girls who say it actually isn't the first few times), not only because have i... erm, like... "tested" by simply trying to fit two fingers in there (and i have small skinny fingers and it hurt so... fuck), but because i'm pretty sure evan's well endowed @_@. i mean, he's 6'2", has big hands and feet, and plus i've seen him with a boner before xD. aughh. but like i said, i'm trying not to worry so much. at least when i get through with all the pain the first few times, it'll be great afterward. and i'm pretty confident on the fact that our nonsexual-relationship won't change due to this big step, because it already hasn't after all the things we've already done. well, wow. i think i've typed enough. i'm going to stop now. i'm already looking forward to my next entry. this feeling of knowing no one will read this (unlike posting blogs) is very satisfying. i can say whatEVER i want with no criticism.

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