• Hey God I miss you so much. You opened me up in a way no one else ever has done. I felt the euphoria of genuinely sharing something with another person for the first time in my life. The pain I feel every time I re realise that it wasn’t real, that it never existed is excruciating. That the acceptance I felt in your arms was never anything more than a rejection waiting to happen. That your eyes were on the door and your mind was on the before and after... I’m dragged from a warm haze into a brash, lonely cold a million times a day. I KNEW this. Logically, at the time, I KNEW you were never mine. You were never with me. That was all I could think whenever you faked one of your smiles at me. You asked me how I thought you felt on the day you decided to keep your eye on the exits. I told you the truth. I told you that you thought I was helping you through what you needed to be helped through but that that was it. I knew I had an expiry date. An imminent one. You never denied it looking back. You said I was special, but that was an easy lie. A lie I forced you to tell me. I can’t help looking at myself through your eyes. I fear myself. My fragility and need. I’m repulsed by my lack of light and life. I never deserved you and you knew it. I never deserved to be in a relationship and you felt it. Of course you were fucking anxious. I do wish that you hadn’t said the following though, at the end. I appreciate the truth is difficult to say but this; “I feel more now for you that I ever did before” “I don’t want to lose you” “There is no question of anyone else being better for me...” I understand what you were doing, but you massively underestimated me. I feel bad that you feel that you had to lie. And I feel bad for believing you. RE you and her – my heart clenches at the thought. But my mind and soul know that there is no wrong. That I have no right to the misery I allow myself. She is doing for you what I couldn’t. Provoking feelings that I would never invoke in a thousand nights and a million conversations. That you have formed a connection with her that I fell short of. My only hope is that I am not incapable of forming this connection. Just unable to do it with you. I hope that she is able to make you happy in a way that I never could. I hope that she calms your head and soothes your soul. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one to do it for you. The sweetest of regards Caroline xxxxx

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