• so paramore's new song 'decode'
  is actually pretty good
  
  contrary to wednesday, tonight was a disaster.
  maybe the worst one i've ever had.

  ugh, it's going to be exhausting to recount.
  but basically, i went to a little local show for a few bands i've seen 100 times before in the basement of some church/preschool place
  usually, i adore these shows. the bands are good, everyone's having fun.
  but tonight was so so so so SO different.
  
  and it was all because of me and my head
  my fucking absurd irrational overanalyzing mind
  
  half way thru the show, i suddenly locked myself into my own mind
  sat in the corner, and almost cried
  didnt talk to anyone, didnt look at anyone
  
  it was fucking wierd, and really fucking scary
  i wouldnt leave where i was sitting
  
  i guess ill start to explain why i got like this by just retyping the texts i sent to amber
  she texted me after a little while of me being upset asking what was wrong
  
  "like evvvvverything /: i don't know. i feel like everything is falling apart. and i feel like i'm no oneeeee"
  
  "idk like im sitting here watching everyone have such a good time with each other. like everyone here knows people and everyones genuinely happy to be around each other. and im sitting here like 'why the fuck cant i feel that?' like i feel idk i cant describe it but lately whenever i go out to places like this or the mall i have like panic attacks and breakdowns."
  
  "i have no clue. i feel like im growing apart from so many people that mattered to me. and i feel like im completely incapable of making friends or holding a fucking conversation. and i feel ridiculous whenever i go out cuz i feel like everyone else in the room is 100x more attractive and 100x more interesting than me. and idk it just hurts to see everyone happy together because i feel like i never have that. i feel like im missing so much in my life. i dont know. like lately i DREAD going out in public places because i feel like im going to make a fool of myself"
  
  "its just always in the back of my mind and i dont know how to turn it off"
  
  on top of this, it doesnt help at all that im painfully jealous of amber.
  she's naturally really pretty
  she makes friends really easily
  she has 6milllion guys after her
  i can look in the mirror, and be like 
  'i look so freakin good today'
  but then i'll go out with amber and feel like her fucking goon of a friend
  social/physical/emotional/mental failure
  
  i may be more well known in school, but go with amber to a show or to the mall
  and its not hard to feel like nothing
  
  it hurt so much to watch her with everyone tonight.
  i cant explain it
  i want to have the friends she has.
  i want to engage people how she does
  i dont understand what she has that i dont
  but i cant seem to get people to stick around
  
  so while i was sulking/i dont know wtf i was doing
  amber and kayci [my other friend] and ambers/kaycis friends eric and mike slowly but surely moved away from me. i was sitting completely by myself, pathetically playing with my phone to make it look like i was talking to people. i wasnt. i was just trying not to scream or run or cry
  
  but then i couldnt take it
  so i left
  
  i went outside [unfortunately during the most amazing band, bears and bright lights. remind me to talk about them another day]
  it was about 15 minutes before amber realized i was gone
  i get a text -
  - "where are you!? o.o"
  - "i went outside. it was way too awkward lol"
  - "whyyy?"
  - "cuz idk, i wasnt talking to anyone anyway. then slowly one by one you guys moved to the other table [i was sitting on top of a table in the room, and they moved away from my table to the one next to it] and i got bored of pretending to text people so i went outside"
  - "i was sittin on the chair!"
  ....wtf, like that makes a difference? she had her back to me, and she was sitting about 6 feet away from me....
  - "i know. but besides you were having fun with your friends so i figured you wouldnt notice anywayyyy"
  - "well i did."
  ....yeah. when the band finished and you needed a ride home.
  fuck, idk.
  when i was outside i didnt know what the fuck to do.
  i couldnt even be alone out there.
  it was towards the end of the show, so a lot of people were chillin outside
  i stood against the wall of the building and tried not to panic
  i just wanted to be anywhere else in the world
  i was shaking so fucking hard, and i highly doubt that it was all from the cold
  idkidkidkidkidkidkidkIDK.
  i have just never felt so awful in my life
  i've never had to run away from my friends like that
  i cant even explain how i felt
  so fucking trapped
  panicky
  claustrophobic
  paranoid
  stressed
  distressed
  i wanted to scream
  cry
  run
  fight
  cut
  die
  
  idk.
  i have no idea what happened
  i have no idea what's happening now
  and im too scared to find out what will happen
  
  but my thoughts you can't decode
  how did we get here?
  i used to know you so well.
  
  i
  don't
  know.

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