• It's so crazy that i've been writing in this for over a year

  I just looked back and re-read my last pre-birthday entry

  and believe it or not, nothing has changed

  i'm still making the same fucking mistakes

  i still care so much about their cruel words and twisted stares

  last time, i wished i could change

  this time, i feel almost guilty wishing

  because i know i'll only get let down once again

  they alwasy tell you the first step is believing in yourself, but i really don't know how

  i'm trying, but it isn't enough

  my brain refuses to be convinced

  my body refuses to push beyond the limits of normalacy

  i feel so tired, so freaking aching tired

  my bones can;t breathe, i think they;re bleeding

  i get so scared sometimes out of nowhere and i don't really know why

  i get angry too, really angry, so that i just want to disappear

  I am a silent staue, but there's more to it

  They can all see right through me

  I see right through me

  but what does that even mean?

  what does any of this mean?

  Thoreu the great american author spent 2 years in the woods to write down his thoughts

  i spend 15 minutes in front of a computer screen, so distant, so impersonal and expect to make the same impact?

  it doesn;t make sanse

  even i'm not crazy enough to stop pretending to be sane

  the way lindsey does

  oh god, i started feeling sorry for her today

  i need to cut that out

  I fight back with bitter words if someone i care about hurts me

  i don't bother if the person doesn;t matter

  "there's nothing to fight for, it's already dead"

  my thoughts are so scattered tonight

  oh my god, i'm almost seventeen

  i don't want to be that old

  why can;t i grow the fuck up?

  i have absolutely nothing to show for all my years besides this lousy journal

  this right here is the only thing in my life i am truly proud of at the moment

  how pathetic is that?

  I wish i could just flick a switch and shut parts of me off

  The parts that talk too much, the part that secretly thrives off getting guys attention

  And just be left with the me who stays up until 1:30 in the morning just to be alone

  I want all my insecurities gone

  about my face, my body, my thoughts, my everything

  tonight on the cake they bought me at gymnastics i blew out all the candles in one breath

  i think that means my wish comes true

  i should have wished for world peace

  i need to stop being so selfish

  Why do i come off so angry?

  I didn;t mean for this to sound so furious

  why is hatred chasing every line around?

  I don;t hate myself, not completely

  just pieces

  just layers and skins and fragments

  nothing unrepairable

  so you ask:will tomorow be different?

  i don;t know

  i hope so

  but hope is made up of petals and tissue paper

  it isn;t lasting, the way knowing or understanding is

  but atleast it's something worth trying for

  sometimes, i just need to remind myself why i should care

   

  sorry for the nonsense

   

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