• I hate these nothing days where i just sit at home and feel like crap

  I neeed to get out, need to interact with the bright lights and pretty colors of the outside world

  Staying in, inside my head, gives me headaches and advil tastes like failure

  I want to be invincible and perfect

  I can't have little pains and blemishes holding me down

   

  Saturday was so confusing

  I got really angry at chrs and i did nothing about it

  I asked him to spot me and he just said he was busy

  even when i said please

  even though it would only have taken a second

  I wanted to slap him when he sat down to do nothing

  I mean, come on

  Am i really that unimportant?

  Did i really mean that little?

  I guess so, because i gave it up too fast and don't regret it

   I think sex always brings out people's true colors

  And now i can see that Chris treats me and propbably most girls like shit unless he wants something

  becuse either way I'll give it to him

  Ugh, it was just one freaking spot

  To him, it would have meant nothing at all

  But for me, it would have made my entire day if i had been able to make it

  He knows this

  I told him how jealous i am, how i wish i could be half as good

  And every chance he gets, he uses this little truth against me

  "how come you're not doing anything? Get to work!" every single time i sit to take a break

  Shut the fuck up

  i am working, god damnit

  he has no idea how hard it is for me to even be here, when no one cares if i even have goals

  i get so frustrated sometimes i feel like crying

  my body and my brain never see to be in sync

  my head is always telling me i can't do the things i know i'm capable of

  i hate it, and chris only makes it worse because it's just another thing i can't fight back against

  i can tell him in my head "well atleast I'm going to college" or "atleast i'm taller" all i want

  It doesn't make a difference, because nothing stings as bad as when someone i let get close tells me the one thing that's keeping me sane is absolutely worthless

  I wish i was the kind of person who could voice this, but i'm not

  I just keep it all bottled up inside and hug him goodbye like always

  I don't hate him because i'm more let down than angry

  It hurts to think that even basic kindness is too much to expect

  But the facts speak for themselves and that's just the way it is

   

   

   

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